Saturday, 2 November 2013

Volume 5: Neil's Song

Exactly five years and eight months ago
At a wedding I was never invited to
I decided I was strong enough to let it go
And I didn't want anything to do with you

It had been so long I stopped keeping count
I had about a hundred thousand other things to do
But people were talking so I hung around
Curious enough to want to catch a glimpse of you

Dear Neil
Who knew
That I'd ever look at you the way that I do
That just looking at you could change my life
And make me wish that I could turn back the time

You're walking down the street holding your daddy's hand
He doesn't want to see me but it's too late
Wishing he'd crossed the street when he had the chance
'Cause I've only said 'hello' and he's turning away

You look at me with your big brown eyes
You've got curls like hers and a mouth like his
You smile at me and I'm not surprised
That it draws me right in like your daddy's did

Dear Neil
Who knew
That I'd ever look at you the way that I do
That just looking at you could change my life
And make me wish that I could turn back the time

Every time that I see her they'll be spite in my eyes
I know better but I'll never call it jealousy
And he knew it every time when he apologized
That he never loved her the way that he loved me

Yeah, I know we're all human and we make mistakes
And I've never been the kind to keep looking back
But you tell me it's your birthday and it's all it takes
I didn't think my walls would crash down like that

Dear Neil
Who knew
That I'd ever look at you the way that I do
That just looking at you could change my life
And make me wish that I could take back the time

He tugs on your hand, says 'come on'
You're walking away now, it's all gone
Your smile in my mind will shine on
My thoughts keep trying to hold on
Trying to hold on
Trying to hold on

If I'd only kept holding on

Dear Neil
If only I knew
That you'd make me look at you the way that I do
It's a mother's love that I can't describe
Because, Neil, you should have been mine

Dear Neil
You should have been mine

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Volume 535: Pretty

I untwist the cap.
The thick liquid inside is the same colour as my skin.
The prettier parts of it, anyway.
I dip my brush in the paint and lift it to my face.
I don't need a mirror.
I know where the ugly marks are.

Stroke by stoke I cover up the marks.
I feel it weighing down on my skin.
I cover up the past.
It's like it never happened.
It never happened.

I tell myself it'll be okay.
I'll be okay.
They say that happy girls are the prettiest.
I look pretty now.
I can look happy now.

I look in the mirror just to make sure.
And it all falls apart.
I've missed a spot.
It glares at me, triumphant.
Everything falls apart.
Rivulets of tears spill from my eyes.
They tear apart all my careful brushstrokes.
They leave nothing but the raw marks that I tried so hard to hide.
They leave nothing but the past.

I tried so hard to hide it all.
I tried so hard to be happy.
I thought it was going to work for once.
Now I know why they teach doctors not to tell people they'll be okay.
I've betrayed myself.
And it's nothing I can cover with makeup.

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Volume 2035: The Crowd


Saturday, 14 September 2013

Volume 20: Horizontal Lines

When Juliana was five years old
She liked to look at the big tree picture on the hallway wall
She liked the way it showed her mommy and her daddy
And her grandmas and grandpas
And aunts and uncles and cousins
She used to reach up as high as she could
And trace the black lines all the way downwards and sideways
At the very bottom
Her fingers landed on her own picture
It hung at the end of an up-down line
Which came from the middle of a sideways line
That ran from her daddy's picture to her mommy's
She thought it looked like the letter T
She liked it

When Juliana was seven years old
Her aunt and her uncle got married and had a little baby
Her mommy and daddy hired a man to stand in front of the big tree on the hallway wall
He had a plate with lots of colours of paint on it
He drew a line called horizontal from Juliana's aunt to her uncle
Then he drew a line called vertical right down the middle of the horizontal one
And at the end of the line he drew a picture of the baby
Juliana wished the baby were bigger so she could show it the tree
She wondered if the baby would like all the lines
If its favourite would be the horizontal line between its mommy and daddy
Just like hers was
Juliana smiled at the tree
She liked it

When Juliana was nine years old
Her mommy and daddy started fighting
They fought at the dinner table
They fought in the car
They fought over everything
Every time they fought
Juliana would sit in the hallway
And look at the big tree
She would look at her favourite horizontal line
And sometimes
When the fighting was especially loud
The line would become a little bit blurry behind the tears in her eyes
It might have been her imagination
But every time it did
The fighting seemed to get less noisy
She wasn't sure if she liked it

When Juliana was eleven years old
Her mommy and daddy stopped fighting altogether
They started packing boxes instead
And they hired the painter man back
But this time his paint plate only had one colour on it
Like the wall behind the big tree in the hallway
So Juliana took her own little paintbrush
Dipped it in the white paint
And carefully traced the same horizontal line she'd traced with her finger
When she was five years old
But this time
It disappeared completely
And her picture was left to float all alone
In a sea of silent white
She didn't like it at all

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Volume 64: The King's Lament

I swear
I don't believe in love
But you've never seen the way
They all watch her move
She glides across the black and white tiles
Back straight
Head high
Everyone in the room

I swear
I don't believe in love
But the way she stood
By my side
Bathed in glowing white
I gave her the world
Just to watch her make it shine
She turned my kingdom
Into her ballroom

I swear
I don't believe in love
But my naivety
States otherwise
I gave her too much freedom
I let her dance too long
The knight that finally stopped her
Wasn't mine

I swear
I don't believe in love
Were it not for the kingdom
I'd have bowed to grief
I'd have clothed myself in black
A white flag to the enemy
Instead I retreat to the shadows
To a throne painted black
And let my soldiers grieve for me

I swear
I don't believe in love
I seek vengeance
A cold dish
On a silver plate
But the lives of eight men
Are not sacrifice enough
For the single one
Of my late queen

I swore
I didn't believe in love
But I've come to know
Towers falling one by one
A kingdom crumbling
On tiles stained red
Nothing's more vulnerable
Than a lonely king

Friday, 26 April 2013

Volume 99: Where Fire and Ice Collide

Blazing eyes, hearts race
Struggling to keep pace
Reckless girl, car chase
Standing on a cliff
Gentle eyes, pretty face
Waiting at a safer place
Careful girl in a thousand ways
Standing on a cliff
She makes mistakes or never learns
Taking risks and wrong turns
Touching flames, getting burned
Takes his breath away
She takes one step at a time
Always walks within the lines
Graceful, delicate, so divine
Takes his breath away
Stepping back toward the tide
Rocks crumbling off the side
A thrilling roller coaster ride
Lashes flutter, the softest sigh
The sweetest promise in her eyes
Caring whispers, by his side
Jealous, loyal, fiercest love
Always putting him above
Everything she's ever loved
Fighting for his heart
Sacrificial, devoted love
Always putting him above
Everything she's ever loved
Longing for his heart

Two completely different souls
Magnetic from opposite poles
Whose stars collide for a common goal
Standing on the cliff

Sunday, 7 April 2013

Volume 24: Limited; Not Infinite

The sun is most beautiful
When it meets the mountains
And the rain feels instantly relieved
When it finally hits the ground
Because traveling the atmosphere forever
Would be more exhausting than anything

The airplanes who've seen everything
Would agree; there is nothing more beautiful
Than the thought of being lonely forever
Interrupted by snow-capped mountains
Reaching up to guide them to the ground
Followed by a sigh of relief

Evening stars smile, relieved,
At the first glimpse of dawn that brightens everything
When their light can no longer touch the ground
They find nothing more beautiful
Than being able to fade back to the mountains
And take a break from shining forever

I, too, often wonder how forever
Would feel, but my unexpected relief
Always come from the mountains
I climb over. It reminds me that everything
Is alive and in motion and beautiful
With every step that touches the ground

Walk with me, keep me on the ground
I could listen to your steady breaths forever
We'll keep pace with the natural beauty
Around us, exhale with relief
As we watch the mist settle over the mountains
Painting soft tranquility over everything

I've decided that I wouldn't want anything
More than to stand with you on the highest ground
At the peaks of the tallest mountains
It's a moment that needs not to last forever
Just long enough for us to realize, breathlessly relieved,
That one does not have to be infinite to be beautiful

The sun is most beautiful over the mountains
And the rain finds relief upon reaching the ground
Don't you agree that being forever together is better than anything?

Monday, 4 March 2013

Volume 6: Paper Ships

My love for you lies
At the top of the little hill
At the bottom of champagne bottles
Like paper ships

You were a sailor
And I was a little girl
Brought up on the docks
Watching the ships and the sea

Our eyes met and you tipped your hat
Offered me a glass
And showed me your paper ship
Sailing in a sparkling white sea

I was Ulysses
And you were a siren
You tugged on the thread
To let my sails flutter free
In captivity

I couldn't tell you why I felt that way
But my two likeliest suspects
Are your rugged half smile
Accompanied by this champagne

The tide rose and fell
Into our crystal flutes
We watched the sun set
On our paper ship
Through translucent glass

Everything becomes a series
Of silent scenes and time lapses
Full glasses to empty and back again
I don't remember falling in love

Am I in love?
Or have I just stumbled onto a paper ship
Destined to rock back and forth
On white bubbly froth

Every time I take a sip
The sea foam rises to meet my lips
And whenever I miss you
I reach for the bottle of sea and paper ships

I don't know if I can dive that deep
For the mere possibility of finding a pearl
Or a diamond ring
I can't decide if those deep blue eyes
Are worth nearly drowning

I remember watching you sail away
A train wreck on the sea
I can't bear to watch you leave me
But I can't tear my eyes away

The sunset looks less beautiful from the shore
I remind myself that ships look splendid
Docked on the pier
But I cannot be a sailor

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Volume 45: Bittersweet Dreams

"The only girl I've ever loved was born with roses in her eyes..." - Holland, 1945

... I watched her fall asleep each night
All dressed in satin cloth of white
And close her lovely light brown eyes...

And I gave her to her dreams
With a soft kiss on her cheek
Watched her smile finally
One last time

I closed her eyes, oh, just in time
She did not see dark clouds arrive
She slept at ease through that dark night
And in that night...

All she wanted was to dream
To send a bottle out to sea
And then come running back to me
With starry eyes

Those starry eyes, so full of life
Those light brown eyes, I'm hypnotized
They light up all my darkest nights
But in that night...

The nightmares came to sleep
To suck the life out of our dreams
And choirs of our screams
Filled up the night...

That dreadful night, [I] was terrified
They lit up fires in our skies
Sickening sounds of flashing knives
Tore through my dreams

But she never ceased to dream
About the bottle out at sea
Crystal clear, but out of reach
Like starry eyes

Those starry eyes, so ever bright
Just like a fire burning high
To warm my thoughts on coldest nights
And every night

I always want to dream
Of finding bottles from the sea
With the love she sends to me
But every night

Oh, every night, those darkest nights
I wake up screaming, ghostly white
Eternal battles, endless fights
Invade my dreams

How I wish to share her dreams
Just to join her in her sleep
All these secrets that I keep
Flow from my eyes

My lonely eyes, each time I cry
I miss her more, my darling bride
I'll see her in my dreams tonight
Like every night

Her beauty haunts my dreams
Though the gunshots have all ceased
The only thing I seek
Are those starry eyes

Her starry eyes, I don't know why
I sealed them shut that dreadful night
And the regret clenches my mind

So many words I have to keep
When I miss her next to me
The only thing I see
Are lonely eyes

Desolate eyes, the light brown eyes
That look like hers but half as bright
Wish they were hers but they are...

Sunday, 17 February 2013

Volume 4.1: Playing With Fate

The untied red thread
Meets the ground in slow motion
She doesn't look back

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Volume 10071: Parisian Nights

Oh, City of Lights
Please illuminate our hearts
Send sparks to the sky

I look down, although
He is much more striking than
Vanilla lattes

Streetlamp-lit boardwalks
Hand in hand, perfect mood for
Walking down the aisle

Starlight overhead
Lovers' dreams dance on the Seine
Join our perfect waltz

I'd like to think that
We are the epitome
Of runaway dreams

His three simple words
Handwritten on a napkin
Are just what I need

I never knew that
The dream lands I escape to
Gave out souvenirs

We'll meet again in
The city that never sleeps
Bring Nuit Blanche with you

Monday, 7 January 2013

Volume 2: Heartbreak Hotel

Your side of the bed
Though was never really full
Feels emptier now

Did not expect this
Permanent heartache from that
Temporary love

The tears I sleep in
Will never compensate for
Your missing embrace